I weigh 235 pounds, and I wear a size 18 dress (when I bother to wear a dress). When I look in the mirror I don’t see a “skinnier” version of myself that I wish I could be, and I don’t bother to imagine how much sexier I would be if I was just a “few pounds lighter.” I am a big girl, and I do mean big in every sense of the word. They had to bring in a larger desk for me in primary school. I’ve been wearing size 11 shoes since I was a freshmen in high school.Fat girl! There I said it, and no one died. I’m sure some people might cry, but I won’t be one of them. I have been big all my life, and I was raised by big women who hated themselves because of their size. I’ve seen women I love barf, take meds, and go under the knife to get thin. I’ve had friends nearly die from an eating disorders and heavy drug abuse all spurned on by their dissatisfaction with their bodies. Many of these friends were smaller than me.
Every day I see smart, beautiful and talented women kill themselves slowly to be what they believe is beautiful, to be thin, and it makes me sick. I keep my mouth shut, and try to be supportive, because I believe that everyone has a right to do whatever they wants with their own body. It is still very hard to not want to scream, and tell them that they don’t need to change, because they are already beautiful.
When, I first read the Twilight series, even though I had seen the movie, I never pictured Kristen Stewart as Bella. Not for a second. You wanna know who my Bella is?
The voluptuous and curvy Kat Dennings.
For me she has the passion and tenacity of Bella all wrapped in a sexy package. She is not a size 0, but her beauty is more than enough to rival that of any young actress. I’m not surprised that they cast Kristen, aside from Hollywood politics, it’s a safe choice. After all, there isn’t a faithful reader of the books that cannot quote from memory the passage in Twilight where Edward scoops up Bella like she weighed 10 pounds, instead of 110 pounds.
That passage, and the mental image of Bella Swan as a petite damsel has been burned into
the brains of Twilight fans. To say that Bella is anything but this idealized version of every young female is to say that any old ordinary girl could win the love of a perfect man, like Edward Cullen. No? But if Edward Cullen is supposed to encompasses all that women want in a man shouldn’t Bella be a manifestation of what women want to be? I say, Bullshit! Many writers treat this as a necessary aspect of the canon portrayal of Bella, just like her eyes must be brown and her skin must be pale. Likening her physical appearance to fundamental components to her personality. This is why, I assume, people have referred to the writing of fic featuring the female Twilight characters (such as Bella) as curvy, larger, or just plain fat as the author self-inserting themselves into their fan fiction. I find this assertion to be rather ironic, since no one has ever accused a thin writer of Twilight fan fiction of self-inserting themselves into the role of Bella.
I am a big girl, a FAT girl, and I have written a fan fic in which Bella was also a big girl, but I don’t think that anyone who knows me would ever accuse me being anything like Bella in Paper Flower. If I’m being honest, Edward (in Paper Flower) is a self-insert of myself. I’ve had sex with curvy women. I look at them and see how really sexy they are, and how sexy they can be without having to lose weight. Why is it that people are so bothered by the idea of a curvy girl as a heroine of a romantic story? Why, in a sea of pornographic images that are tweeted, posted and exchanged in this fandom everyday, do we rarely see images that resemble the women who are looking at them? Why do we cringe when see images of naked bodies that look like our own?
Seeing ourselves as sexy in our realistic form is difficult for many women. That’s the ugly truth that none of us want to discuss. We will talk a good game about positivity, and applaud full figured models, but we can’t stand to stare at ourselves naked in the mirror. We all still have that secret voice in the back of our mind that says "I would be sexy if..." Everything and everyone tells us that we are not sexy as we are. There is a billion dollar diet industry dedicated to convincing you that you would look sexier if you were just a few pounds lighter, and we believe them.
We turn away from honest images of ourselves, and look at other women to shape our ideal of what is sexy. We write fic about women that don’t look anything like us. Why? Because there is no way we could imagine Edward Cullen ever falling in love with a girl that looks like us. Even though we all know that Bella’s looks had nothing to do with why Edward fell in love with her.
I want to remind you that there countless girls and women, that look just like us, out there reading Twilight and fan fic right now and just like us they are believing that the hero will never want a girl that looks like them. How sad is that? How can we stop it? By not contributing to that lie? I decided to co-host this contest because I was tired of only seeing a handful of fics depicting realistic body types of women. I’m not just talking about larger women, either. How about making Alice a pear-shaped girl with big hips? I’ve known a slew of short girls that bemoan the size of their hips and asses, while guys drooled over them as they walked by.
How about a Rose with extremely large breast that suffers from back pain, and only gets attention from guys because of her boobs. That is until Emmett asks her out, because he loves her smile. Or a postpartum Esme struggling to feel sexy while still carrying all her baby weight, but learns that Carlisle actually finds her even sexier with the new curves.
Curvy, voluptuous, fat, these are words that all mean that same thing, though they don’t take the same shape. However, they always effect how we see ourselves, and how the world sees us. I believe that the only way to change the world is to be a part of it, to add my voice to the roar of the masses, in the hopes that someone will eventually hear me. That is why I write, because if just one person reads my stories, and sees herself as beautiful, I was successful.
Open a new document, and write me a story about a beautiful women with a full figure that has a happy life, that gets the guy, or learns to love herself. That is my reality, and I would love to see your spin on it. I want you to write about a woman as beautiful as you are.
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Comments
Thank you for the wonderful post!
♥
Thank you, thank you for writing it!
Liz x
Thanks for pimping it.
Love
J
I loved this post and plan to share it with other 'real' women. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this with us! I wish we could all be that secure. You are an inspiration and totally rock!!
Best wishes,
Charli ox
♥
J
Also. I have to be honest and say that Kat Dennings is exactly who I pictured as Bella while I was reading the books.
Thank you.